Wandering

Wandering

“Not all who wander are lost” Hopefully, anyway…

I am prone to wandering from Christianity. I’ve discovered that it has done almost nothing for me as far as religion goes. I enjoyed church, but it was the people and the discourse I loved, not the religion. I am a coward; I cannot deny my religion because I’m afraid of Hell. I don’t think I’ll ever get over this fear. This may be for the better if there is any salvation in it.

I don’t want to proselytize to advance Christ; I just like arguing and good arguments. I don’t want to tell anyone that I doubt so much or that I may have lost my faith. My family and friends will condemn it, perhaps, but I know that if I leave Christianity I’ll find only despairing philosophies. There is no joy in the idea that we’re only here to propagate our nature, which is what philosophies most often end with affirming. I must be meant to live for more than my own happiness, the survival of my children, or any other common purposes for life. Perhaps my search for meaning is betrayed by my own biases. I think that life is pointless and this is what I learn through reading philosophy, Ecclesiastes, etc. My current knowledge and perhaps prejudices bar any learning of new prejudices or knowledge.

I would commit suicide if I knew that there was no afterlife. I’m troubled because I know that the common goals in life (the ones pursued by those around me) are dead to me. I don’t aspire to be different and therefore have a different purpose in life; I just think the common goals are futile. I don’t want to raise children (even though I love them) because this goal in life is just an excuse to keep living. If others depend upon me, I will continue living for their sake. I need to live for my own sake, but I can’t find a good reason for doing so. Living for others side-steps the issue and in the end does not give meaning for my life, but what other goals are there? Those without families (and sometimes those with them) live for the advancement of their reputation, wealth, etc. What worth is this in the end? Hardly anyone remembers those who fulfill this goal. Historical figures had great reputations, but what of the other persons who were their contemporaries? They are forgotten, even if they outshined those remembered. What value does wealth have? I cannot take it with me and it can reliably destroy a family (the current object of the greatest part of my love).

Another common, even ancient purpose of life is happiness. Aristotle said that “Happiness is the meaning and purpose of life, the whole aim and end of human existence”. I pursued Happiness for about a year and became more depressed in that year than I’d ever been before. I found that my happiness depended upon my business or activity. I would soon kill myself out of despair if I had a life of leisure. In the end I found that a conscious pursuit of Happiness yields depression and unhappiness. If I make Happiness the conscious goal of my life I will be the most depressed person in existence, so I cannot.

There is nothing to live for and there is only one reason not to die. Fear of Hell, or eternal unhappiness, is the only thing keeping some people alive. I must admit it has been my sole propellant in continued living at times. This is rational fear, but irrational purpose. Purpose to life would be a negative purpose in such a state, as there is no reason to live, only a reason not to stop living. Living is the lesser of two evils. This is a sad state of affairs.

My journey through cynicism has killed my purpose. I want to live on as much as is required for comfort and not trouble myself for anything in addition to this. I would gather together all my despairing writings and write a book, but I don’t want to infect others with the source of my unhappiness. Ignorance truly is bliss, and bliss is desirable. On the same logic I’ve neglected to pursue certain romantic relationships because I could see that the person was already happily involved. It would not be love of the other to supplant myself for the other interest, it would be an act of my selfishness. If I were to get joy out of spreading my philosophic despair or through gaining love at the sake of another’s happiness it would only be a perverse joy.

I hate what I see in many others. It is rare that I meet a person who knows that “the unexamined life is not worth living” and rarer still that I meet one that actively examines their life. People pursue whatever strikes their fancy, whether it is a fun activity, love, power, popularity, etc. They don’t realize that they are led by their nature, which has no purpose other than self-propagation. Among college students this is especially true.

Another object of my contempt is the lack of thinking displayed by even the most intelligent people. Almost everyone I’ve met fails to consciously and rationally justify the authority they’re ruled by. People go to elections and vote in or out another tyrant, they don’t question the foundation of the office’s authority. Most people are led by the suave looking-smooth talking person of the day, and after a few years of jolted change in the direction of leadership most are too confused to reason. This is where the closed-mindedness of many comes from. People don’t know why they have their beliefs and know much less about how to justify them rationally. We have slogans; not arguments, debate; not apologetics.

I can’t live my life for inconsequential or impermanent things. I won’t chase health and wealth, greatness or power, busywork or idleness. But the pursuit of these things seems to sum up to the entirety of our purpose. What are we pursuing? A gilded grave? Some honorable mention in a history book? A place in the fading memories of our descendants? An unsure heavenly eternity?

Every day I give into my nature in obvious ways. I love to talk to girls. I don’t know if it is the basic sexual nature or not, I wouldn’t know. I really enjoy their company though. “Women, Pretty Women…”, bleh. I realize that this seems hardly like philosophical thought, but it betrays my human nature’s desire for self-propagation. Everywhere I turn I see myself guided by human nature, and I detest this tyranny. There has to be something more to me than my nature, but only in a small portion of my thoughts am I free of it. The “thoughts that seem to rule my mind” keep me from finding “this love that we’re supposed to find”. My mind at times is too crowded with contempt for my human nature to allow me any joys. Perhaps this is so because my joy comes from fulfilling my human nature’s purpose for me.

I’m so confused in every way. I don’t know what I want to be, what to live for, what to do. I have peace of mind only when I’m not thinking of my future or purpose. I’m peaceful and unstressed at these moments because I can’t bring myself to worry about the affairs of the present. What I care about I can get stressed about, and I don’t care about much. What do I care about? My family probably takes priority right now. I thoroughly enjoy them, more than I enjoy most other things. Again, the human nature leads and rules, but I cannot explain why the nature’s desire for self-propagation takes such joy in the life of those not involved to my propagation. Is there any deeper joy than that which the nature accomplishes?

The Christian purpose of life is best described in a certain catechism: to bring glory to God and enjoy him forever. This sounds solid, except that it still side-steps the question of individual purpose. Like in the POL “childbearing” we are still told that the first purpose in our life is to do something for another. Plus, this POL is derived from faulty logic. God is whole and satisfied in himself, he needs no magnification and, indeed, cannot be magnified. Enjoying him forever sounds like a worthwhile goal, as Heaven is best defined as the presence of God. If you can enjoy his presence, you have a happy eternity. If not, you have an unenjoyable eternity; Hell. So enjoying God’s presence for eternity could make a good POL. There is a fault, however, in the concept of Eternity. God exists outside of time so Eternity is not a dimensioned state in that respect. We’d only need to enjoy God for the split second of Eternity. We will not exist forever, we will just exist. We’ll have no notion of past or future, all will be present. This is the truest death, I think, because in it a constant state is found. No change can happen; nothing can happen. If you can be satisfied with your circumstances in this state you have reached ultimate happiness.

Another thought: Why do philosophers always write about government? It is as if every man wanted to rule, to have things done his way. Philosophy books have another common subject: the rearing of children. Every man wants the lives of the next generations to be better, but why? The reason for this goes back to the human nature’s desire for self and species propagation. Everyone is led by their human nature to make the next generation better.

We run around our entire life, trying to be happy in a variety of ways, but where does this get us? We’re not happier as geriatrics waiting to die than as ambitious youths.

I feel an obligation to succeed. This may be an offspring of family pressure or pride, or perhaps that old foe and worker of woe the human nature.

3-30-08

I talked to Granddaddy when he and Grandma were down for Easter. He says that the purpose of human life, according to Christianity, is to be truly human, as God wants us to be and as we were in Eden.

An interesting thought: What was the purpose of life before the fall? Not reproduction, Adam and Eve couldn’t die and did not need their nature to be continued after their death, as it wouldn’t happen. Their influence couldn’t be spread further; they were in control of the Earth.